I am an *gulp* adult

So, I wanted to say a little bit about this birthday.  Because this year has been very different from any other year that I have experienced, and I feel like I need to acknowledge that.

The funny thing is that when you are young..and by that I mean early twenties, and oh-by-the-way can you just shoot me now…when you are young you just aren’t smart enough to pay attention to yourself as you grow and learn and change into an actual adult.  You don’t feel it happening, and it really is like one day you just look around and there you are…and where the hell did these dimples come from, and can I please, please, please have my old legs back?

I turn 29 years old today, and I have only recently had this moment.  There are parts of me that don’t feel any older, certainly (that would not be the part that right around the frown line on my forehead). But when I think back on the person that I was ten, five, or even one year ago, I can not even believe how much I have changed.

Some of that is from relationships that I have had..and lost…that acted to make me jaded and cynical.  Some of that is from friendships that I have had that have forced me to trust and believe and accept.  And some of that…a whole of that of that…is from a family who gives me love that is unflinching and support that is overwhelming.

Some of it is from the good times.  The success, the trips, the nights. 

And some it..because life is just mean like this…some of it is from the heartbreak.  The losses, the diseases, the deceit.

In this past year especially the fear and pain of an uncertain future for both myself and my family has…well, it has just changed me. If the past few years were the years that taught me it was okay to be myself…this was the year where I learned that it is okay to believe that in being myself, I am one who deserves better than I have been allowing.   I have quit smoking, I have cut ties with the men that were toxic…but oh-so-very addicting…I have given up my bad vices.   I have searched to find what it is that I really want to do with the rest of my life instead of settling for the thing that does nothing but give me a pretty paycheck.

I have found that I am okay saying that I want more, I need more, I deserve more. 

I have found that this doesn’t make me weak…as I was always afraid it did.  In fact, I have found that I feel stronger right now than I ever thought I could possibly be.

So, I am 29 today.  And if being almost 30 means all of that…than, well, I’ll take it. Now 30…that we’ll not think about again for another 365 days.  Thankyouverymuchandgoodnight.