List of 30 things to do in 30 days update?  Number 29: Take a leap of faith-Check.

My heart has been closed off for a long time.  All I can say is that last night I opened it up.  On this one, that is all the detail you get.  But it felt amazing, and I am happy and smiling ear-to-ear today.

So far, so good.

In 30 days, I turn 30 years old.  That is not an easy thing for me to say, let alone do.   So I decided, instead of doing a huge celebration, I am going to do a 30 day commemoration of my 20s. 

In the next 30 days (almost 29) I am going to do the following 30 things.  The last great experiences of this beautiful disaster of a decade of my life.

I will, of course, blog them.  Hi, we’ve met.

My 30 things are as follows:

1.  Confront a fear.  I am not sure which just yet. 
2.  Visit City Lights book store. Because I live an hour and a half away, and have never been. And for someone who has a Kerouac quote tattooed on my body, that seems just silly. 
3.  Take a Road Trip with the girls. This one I have done many times, but one last road trip sounded necessary.  Time and money constraints mean that we will be driving to nowhere, and probably just for a day, but really, does it matter? 
4.  Go 24 Hours Media Free. Internet, Tv, Radio. No tweeting from the phone or anything.  I don’t have cable, so the TV is fine, but no internet? *I can do this* 
5. Learn to drive a stick shift.  I know, I know.  No, I do not know how .  I was not good at it when I was young and I’m not that into things I’m not good at it. Sh.
6. Go see a movie alone.  
7. A random act of kindness.  
8. Plan a trip to Paris.  Boy and I are going in January.  Since “go to Paris” is on most people’s list, and I’m just going to miss it, I figured that planning it should count. 
9. Dig up something new about my family history. 
10. Start learning French. For Paris, obvs. 
11. Have dad teach me the guitar chords
12. Use a whole role of Duct tape in one day.  Just because. 
13. Launch my website.  For a business I am working on. 
14. Get a check-up.  And either start 30 with a clean bill of health, or at least some answers to lingering questions. Included-getting the glasses I need. 
15. Get my passport.  Again, for Paris.  No, I don’t have my passport. Again. Shush it. 
16. Learn a magic trick. 
17. Try archery. 
18. Submit something I’ve written for publication.  I’ve done this before, but have been told it is time for me to do it again. 
19. Put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea.  I’ll be in Tampa next week, so there’s a chance my bottle will get stuck in the oil, but I’ll give it a shot anyway. 
20. Fully celebrate September 13-Defy Superstition Day.  Did you know that was a day?  I grew up with a lot of superstitions, so this might be a challenge for me. 
21. Learn an awesome new party joke. And tell it well. 
22. Go through my house and purge anything old and unneeded.  My life needs this. 
23. Find and create my signature potluck/barbecue/party meal. 
24. Start a gratitude journal 
25. Reach my “I’m turning 30 and going to feel good about myself goal weight.”
26. Study the constellations.  
27. Spend one afternoon doing only things that made me happy as a child.  Parks, popsicles, puppies…you get the idea.  
28. Take my dad fishing 
29. Take a leap of faith.  Watch out for this one, it might be big. 
30. Make a new list of 30 things…to do in my 30s. 

..and like every step of this God-awful journey, it is breaking my heart that he has to go through this.  This man who deserves so much more.  

There is very little in me that believes in miracles anymore.  With every phone call that we get filled with bad news, a small part of that capacity dies.  But I’m trying to hold out enough hope that, despite what the doctors say, we’ll look back on this time and remember the “crazy thing that happened next.”  

Because today I thought a lot about my birthday coming up, and the next 30 years of my life, and how much I have not done…how I have not figured out yet, even now, what it is I want to be…and how I am still very much on this journey.  And I want him to be there for that so badly I can feel it in every bone.  How can it matter what I become or where my life leads if he is not.

You may get sick of hearing this, if you already are I am sorry, but I hate this. I hate all of it. 

But looking at a calendar, it appears that because of events that my friends have scheduled, I’m not going to be able to squeeze in anything for my 30th celebration.

I’m going to try not to be bummed about that, and just go with “that’s fine,” but if that’s the case, I get to be 29 still.

Let’s be honest, it’s not like I was going to “celebrate” this one anyway.  It would have been like a group therapy session.

Since I think Boy will make a pretty convincing Don Draper with a fedora on, and I obviously will make a killer 60’s sex kitten..or housewife, I haven’t decided…that I’m creating Mad Men costumes for Halloween.

Halloween, in case you do not know me, is important stuff to me. And this is only a small part of the battle.  Now to come up with the perfect costumes. 

One of my favorite nights of the year.  I suppose I will be getting very little sleep.

Nights with meteor showers>All other nights.

edatrix:(via mfs)

I never, ever want summer to end.  Every time I think about the fact that kids are back in school and fall is right around the corner, I start to have actual anxiety.  Not just for the end of summer, but more because fall means that horrible unspeakable time of the year is coming.  I won’t say the name in August…i won’t let my mind even think about it…but it is cold and wet and I loathe it with seering hatred.

Don’t leave me, long days and warm nights.  Don’t ever leave me.

• Actually focus on work (heh?) so that I can keep myself distracted
• Speak to as few clients as possible, in the hope that I don’t absolutely lose it on one of them in a fit of *somewhat* misplaced anger
• Accept only good news, good stories, and happy anecdote, and shun anything that might be even the least bit depressing.
• Drink a lot of tea, in the hope that if I have enough caffeine I might start to get that cracked out feeling that will at least be something, since I can’t get drunk at work.
• Visit my dad and tell him funny stories and watch him smile like he only does when he is around me. 
• Allow myself one (only one) complete and absolute breakdown. At home. Alone.
• Make it through like 14 hours of this miserable, rotten feeling and then curl up with boy to forget that any of this exists. 

Wish me luck.

I don’t know why I bother to try to do my weekend in pictures.  It’s not like I ever succeed.  So, to catch you up (ohmygodhowexcitedareyourightnow?)

Friday night:  Boy (dropping the “new”) met the parents.  That’s right.  Luckily it went very well, and there was no mention of milking either my parents cats, or my parents.  So there’s that. Also, I bought a 6 candy necklaces for a dollar at Target. I feel like that’s noteworthy.

Saturday: The morning was lazy, walked down and got coffee and breakfast from one of my favorite little coffee shops.  Ran a couple of errands that we had, and then went to a party of some of his friends and people that he works with.  They are attorneys and geologists and listening to their conversations I started to understand how Sarah Palin feels whens she listens to anyone talk about…well, anything.  Hopefully they thought I was pretty, because that’s all I had. That night we drove to Lake Tahoe.  Dinner and a little bit of gambling losing at the casino, and then back to my family’s cabin, where we were staying.

Sunday: Sunday morning we woke up late, boy went and got coffee and we sat out on the rooftop deck in the morning mountain air.  I’m pretty sure that’s close to my idea of heaven.

Then we headed to the lake.  The sun was shining and we swam in the warm water.  We could see storm clouds brewing, and like fools thought, oh, we’ll get to see a thunderstorm and gee, how nice will that be.

Except, the thunderstorm became a hail storm, with golf ball sized hail.  Which turned into a golf-ball-sized hail downpour, which we found ourselves running through, doing what we could to dodge the  There are a couple of spots where I was hit that are going to bruise, and right about the time I got struck in the head by one a woman in a cabin called us over to take refuge until it passed. 

Needless to say, our day at the beach was over, but heading back to our cabin and spending the afternoon curled up in bed together with the thunder rolling outside was not a bad way to spend the day.

It’s time for me to pout.  Next weekend is Outside Lands in S.F. and unbelievably, I am Broke (that is a capital B, guys). Like, broke in a way that I haven’t been broke in like..eh..5 years or so, so sadly. Even just the one day Sunday ticket price of $75.00 is too much right now (also, I know there’d also be tons of vegan food and what-not that I’d be forced to buy).  

There are almost actual tears involved in me writing this.  It’s an hour and a half away, and how many Temper Trap shows have I missed now?  Social D?  Edward Sharpe and Amos Lee?  I’m going to be honest, even Kings of Leon would be exciting.  Every band I reeeallly want to see just happens to be playing on Sunday, at non-overlapping times.  Seriously, Universe, seriously? Find a way for me to go to this and I will…I don’t know..are you a guy, universe? Because if you are I will do dirty things to you.  Otherwise, I’ll think of something.

Argh. With a pouty face that an emoticon just doesn’t cover.

(click through for website and schedule, in case you are lucky enough to be able to go. Jackass)

That are on their way from last night’s faux bachelorette party.  Of course, I didn’t take them, so I have to wait. 

This weekend was exceptional and amazing.  Except for how much 2 nights in a row of heavy drinking was a bit too much on me, and I’ve spent the day wanting to die.  I’m so completely exhausted that I just cried for like an hour straight, and I’m not sure why. 

I’m feeling like I need to go to sleep now, and sleep for the next 10 hours, until I have to get up tomorrow morning. 

Holy hell I feel am old. 

This weekend I’ll be posting pictures where you will see me as a bachelorette.  As I am clearly not getting married, I feel as though I should explain why.
Settle in for a good story, my friends.

About 9 years ago, my BFF and I decided to take a dollar bill, tie-dye it and name it the “I’ll give you a dollar dollar.”

The dollar works like this:

The possessor of the dollar says:  “Shannon, I’ll give you a dollar to dance with that midget at the bar.”   The receiver says: “fuck.” And then does it. The dollar is then passed back and forth in a series of increasingly embarrassing dares.

There are two rules to the I’ll give you a dollar dollar:
1.  We don’t dare each other to do anything that, under dire circumstances, we wouldn’t do ourselves (not things that we would want to do, but this keeps us from having to get naked in public for every dare..and what-not).

2.  Because rule number 1 exists, rule number 2 can exist-you can not turn down a dare.   Once it is said, it has to be done. 

Now, the great thing about the dollar is, you use it wisely, because you know that as soon as you turn it over…you’re screwed.

Sadly, a couple of years ago, Shannon lost the original I’ll give you a dollar dollar.  If she were the one telling this story it is possible she would say that I was the one to lose it, but it is also possible that she would be lying.

So, for her birthday, I tie-dyed a $5.00 bill (inflation, you know. Plus, we’re not as easily “purchased” as we were at 21) and gave her the first run of the I’ll give you five dollars five dollars.

This is how she is using it:

Because I am not the marriage..eh..”type” and because I sometimes feel the urge to punch the girls in the pink boas and tiaras…she sent me a box full of…yeah…pink boas and tiaras…and said: I will give you five dollars if you have a bachelorette party with all of your girlfriends.

And so it goes.

Today is going to be a good day.  6 hours of work and I’m out of here.  This afternoon I pick up my bestie from the airport for a weekend of debauchery.  Tonight BFF meets New Boy and there shall be food and drinks.   Tomorrow…well…tomorrow is a whole other story.  We’ll get to that later.

For now, let’s just say…TGIF, Bitches.  T.G.I.F.